Some great Simpsons quotes

Back from when the show used to be consistently funny.

Homer: Oh, so they have Internet on computers now!

Homer: When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.

Milhouse: Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?*

Homer: I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.

Mayor Quimby: I stand by my racial slur.

Comic Book Guy: Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

Homer: You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.

Homer: Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?

Chief Wiggum: Can’t you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can’t be policing the entire city!

Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Homer: A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice.

Kent Brockman: …And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.

Mr. Burns: I don’t like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there’s too many fat children.

Sideshow Bob: Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?

Superintendent Chalmers: I’ve had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children…

Homer: Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.

Ralph: Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours.

Principal Skinner: Fire can be our friend; whether it’s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie.

Homer: Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.

Krusty the Clown: And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.

Homer: How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.